Tee hee

We’re about due for some more funny sentences I’ve encountered lately. Oh, tee hee:

Sometimes referred to as a summary of public records relating to title to a specific parcel of land, an abstract typically is delivered to the seller or buyer under certificate and seal as to its content.

Why would anyone refer to an abstract as “a summary of public records relating to title to a specific parcel of land”?

Our products are unsurpassed by none.

Wow.

We will go live with the new vendor in March.

Ah, homonyms…

You probably don’t spend a whole lot of time thinking about our credit score.

Um…should I? I think they’re missing a “y.”

(from an email):

Hi Amber,
I have request more information on this job.
Is it for both products?
Can we use the copy that isn't crossed out.
I did find out they want to used the tech copy.
More to come.

This was in response to a question on my part: “What is this job for?” It’s all clear now.

Brooke was in my wife’s freshmen ward, and she took her disappearance very personally.
She still has a Google Alert to keep track of developments.

Well, I think I would take my disappearance very personally, too.

Warrior for Civil Rights

So, yesterday I was looking at my box of nursing pads, and I noticed that they were endorsed by several breastfeeding organizations. One of them stuck out to me: the African-American Breastfeeding Alliance (AABA).

I immediately thought, “What is this? A bunch of African-American women got together and decided that La Leche League wasn’t good enough for them, and they needed their own little exclusive club?” I resolved to make my own exclusive breastfeeding organization to mock the ridiculous premise that anyone of a differing racial background could not possibly understand or meet my breastfeeding needs. After much thought, I decided to call it the European-American Lactation Society, or EALS. Our cause would be to empower breastfeeding women of our particular “race”—since all Europeans, like all Africans, are of the same race. I hoped to inspire all other people who did not qualify for either AABA or EALS to start their own organizations: BAAL (the Breastfeeding Asian-American League), NAGGS (Native-American Glandular Giving Society), PIBS (Pacific Islander Breastfeeding Society), etc. The vast differences in our breastmilk and breastfeeding methods would make such organizations essential!

Then, of course, I looked online to see what AABA actually does. Turns out, they are actually geared at increasing breastfeeding among African-American women, as there is apparently a decided percentage gap between them and other races. I’m confused as to why that is, but the cause is one I support, so I might even join AABA, if they would let me in.

So, it looks like someone else will have to pick up the cause for EALS. Although if you need someone to come up with a logo, I have a couple of ideas.

I'm feeling it.

People have asked me sometimes if I feel like a mom yet.

I consider it an accomplishment to take a shower.

I have learned to type, and eat, one-handed.

When getting a gift for a friend, I immediately think of Hooter Hiders and diaper bouquets…until I realize that they don't have kids.

I take pictures of myself covered with barf so that I can put them in a scrapbook.

I have not done my hair for approximately 4 months.

I have Googled the lyrics for “The Fox Went Out on a Chilly Night” and “Froggy Went A’courting.”

I used my 40 bucks’ worth of Barnes and Noble Christmas gift cards on children’s books.

I eat not because I want to or because I’m hungry, but because I know that she has to eat. I also refrain from eating certain foods I like because she does not like them in lactic form.

I breastfeed during conference calls.

I breastfeed in restaurants.

I breastfeed in parking lots.

Today, a few minutes after I left to go to the bank, I realized that there was a large orange smear on my pants. After a minute, I realized what it was. Rather than turn around and go home, I found a shady spot on the library lawn to change a diaper in the nice open air. I walked the rest of the way to the bank with a poopy diaper in the stroller’s cupholder. I am still wearing the poopy pants.

So, yes. I do.

Bad dream

Last night I had a weird dream. In it, I was part of a family where each of us had either dark or blonde hair, and there was a stern and overbearing patriarch who had somehow repressed or abused everyone. And someone had killed Olivia, and for some reason I just knew that it was one of my light-haired brothers. So I tried to kill him with sharp objects, but he kept managing to be unharmed and sneered at me, and then one of my dark-haired siblings threw a dagger at him and it killed him. This made me realize three things: 1) in order to kill someone, you had to have the opposite hair color of that person; 2) I must have been light-haired, because I was unable to kill the light-haired brother; and 3) the light-haired brother did not actually kill Olivia: it was actually the overbearing patriarch (I knew this through dream omniscience.)

So, it was a tragedy that the light-haired brother was killed, and then I had to team up with the rest of the siblings so that we could get one of them to kill the light-haired patriarch. (I had the greatest feeling of despair when I realized that I myself would not be able to kill the patriarch.) And I was also trying to do it while in the middle of a European street carnival.

The whole thing was so disturbing that I was very relieved to wake up.

Indispensable

Last week, I fell asleep for an hour during a conference call...and nobody noticed.

However, today one of the other people who was on the call asked me to review her notes and add mine to them so that we could send them over to the client as a review of the call.

I was pretty nervous about doing so...until I read over her notes, and realized that she didn't have much more than I did.

Did she fall asleep too? Or did people really say nothing of significance for an entire hour?

Today

Today was pretty hard for me. But good.

I found us a house for the next 4 months, and signed a contract for it.
I got a cookbook laid out and printed.
I started cleaning the living room.
I did 4 days' worth of dishes.
I emptied all the trash cans.
I went grocery shopping.
I took care of my baby.

I did all this while trying simultaneously to perform a full-time job. And being sick.

And lest anyone think that I am trying to paint myself as a superwoman, or even one who aspires to be so, let me emphasize the word "trying."

The best thing that happened today was that, while I was driving home from the printer's, I had to stop in the middle of the road for a duck. He was waddling straight across the road to his pond, and his little steps seemed so purposeful and, although I couldn't hear him, I could see his beak moving as he pleasantly quacked along his way.

Oh, and artichokes were 89 cents each at the grocery store. That was a good thing.

You know, altogether, it's a good day when you can look back and see the sparkling embellishments of ducks and artichokes.

Silly sentences

Here are some favorites that I've encountered lately:

"Here some the endorsements the station has received."

"Also, an attorney’s liability is restricted by his ability to pay and is his life span."

"As a client of mine, my goal is to develop a lasting relationship."

Hmmm.

3 months

My sweet little girl is 3 months old today!

Other things that took 3 months:

• The Battle of Shanghai
• This Honda Accord commercial
• This ugly painting by Sotos Pateras
  
• Apparently, several other things

None of those things are as cute and fun to snuggle with, though. I love my baby girl.

Courtesy of Googlism

While brainstorming for a tagline for a product featuring "exclusive" traits, I came across this valuable insight:

"exclusive is still a must have since you can't get the super god sword unless you win in one of the campaigns identified in various japanese anime"

Who knew?